Cleaning with the Cryptkeeper
"Crypt Cleaning," by the Maglus family, proud keepers of the Qeynos crypts since the Age of Turmoil.
I am the current Cryptkeeper Maglus, but there's been one of our family working down here for generation upon generation. The job hands down to the second child in the family, whether male or female. Lucky for Qeynos, there's been a second Maglus child since the beginning, because I don't think any of the tombs would look even this good without us.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Maglus, this place is an absolute DUMP!" It is and it isn't. While maybe my housekeeping skills aren't the best, I still follow the traditional methods used in the past. I mean -- look at your own place! If your home had lasted through chaos and disease and moons exploding in the air, not to mention the grounds heaving and hurling things everywhere -- it probably wouldn't look any better than the Crypt!
First thing you need to do is get a good, sturdy broom and dustpan. I have a custom-made broom with an extra-long handle so I can clear cobwebs and dust from higher ledges. As a dwarf, my own reach is a bit limited, but I manage. To keep your broom good as new, wrap the bristles with a soft old cloth before swinging it at cobwebs. Lucky for me, folks come down and clear out those nasty undead creatures, leaving behind an abundance of soft old cloths!
Most of the Bayles were buried above-ground, but there's Bayle down here whose crypt I keep. In the days of Antonius Bayle the Third, the Cryptkeeper Maglus then used to have to chase the boys out of the crypts. Except for that Kane Bayle. Now, I know he grew up to be a villain and all, but apparently he was a real thoughful as a boy. Always stopped to chat with the Maglus of his day, bringing in some of his friends to keep her company. He may have ended up wrong, but he was a good boy.
The stones of this area of the crypt are really showing their age, despite all the Maglus' family efforts. That granite shows up every stain unless we can get to it right away. What I do is first give the area a good scrubbing with a handful of sea salt. Then I pour a bit of vinegar mixed with little bit of water on the area, let it soak for a minute or so, then wipe it off with -- you guessed it! A soft old cloth! After that, rinse the area with water, or the vinegar will chew on the mortar.
To pass the time, I've been studying some of those old magic arts, potions and things. There's always a lot to do down here, but it can get tedius. I recollect my father (who was Cryptkeeper before me) telling me how one day, he'd taken down all the burial urns from their shelves and dusted each one individually before putting it back, just to pass the time. I'd rather do something as will improve my mind. Those urns do get on my nerves, I don't mind confessing.
A long time ago, of course, folks were dressed in their finest duds, then laid out to rest in a proper coffin. When things got a bit hectic, around the War of Plagues, there were lots of dead folk, and some had no kin to bury them. That and with the diseases running rampant through Qeynos, the Cryptkeeper of that time decided it would be safer to burn up the bodies and put the ashes in little urns. It was a good idea, I just wish so many folk hadn't taken up the concept.
I'm sure you've seen them big statues in some of the rooms? We didn't put them there, meaning the Bayles or the Maglus' family. They were built up by someone else, possibly them Bloodsabers that started hanging around down here. At first, I thought they were mighty nice and I really enjoyed dusting them. Then I happened to one day look at the fires these statues are facing, and what do you know? There's a skull in them! That sure gave me a turn!
We went through that long stretch where nobody knew if there'd be another Antonius Bayle. That kind of put the Maglus family at loose ends, being keepers of the city's crypts and all. As you know everything turned out fine, with that pretty Antonia Bayle coming home. I met her once and told her about the family's job and she says, "I'm glad to meet you, Maglus!" I hope when she dies, she gets buried above ground. Not that I want her to die during my watch, that's for sure.
If there's one thing the Maglus family is used to, it's change. The world's changed quite a bit since my forebears first took on the job as keepers of the Qeynos crypts. Things change, there's a lot of weird critters down here that I don't mind saying scare me. Still, it's a steady job and in this economy, that's a good thing to have.